Stay Away

I’m having my own private pity party today, and though I’ve acknowledged it, I can’t seem to move on. I know that I am upset and worried and sad about a lot of things I simply cannot control. And I don’t want to be a jealous, joyless woman, but for some reason, that’s what I keep becoming today. At work, I feel like the coworkers who have been my closest friends have replaced me. We have a new, young(er), (more) talented employee in our department. And most of you may not know it, but I’m not the most self-confident person. And I like her; I really do. But it also hurts me that the friends who used to spend time chatting with me or asking my opinion about things now trust her more. A part of me feels the same way I did back in junior high when I realized that I wasn’t ever going to be good enough to be a member of the In crowd. Only now I’m having one of those moments of self-doubt when I question if I’m even capable of this job or why I can’t be more outgoing and the kind of person people want to befriend. I know my shortcomings all too well; I’m aware that I let anger simmer until it boils over, that I place high standards on people and am hurt and disappointed when they don’t live up to them. I know I sometimes let my temper take control of me. I’m also aware that I’m not the prettiest girl or the most pleasant person to be around every day. I know that I’m not the life of the party, nor will I ever be, but it still hurts to feel alone in the crowd, even when I know it’s petty and wonder how much of this is me making a big deal of nothing.

Thing is, I don’t want to be this mean, sad, hurt girl I’ve become. It’s just that I have no family here. My friends (and coworkers) are my family here. And whether it’s really happening or not, I feel like I’m slowly losing them because I’m not fun, entertaining, that great of a friend, or even able to do my job halfway decently. Even as I type this, I know how petty and self-centered I sound. I know it, but my brain is having trouble keeping my heart from feeling all these emotions. My brain says, “Mandy, you just feel threatened in your job.” My heart says, “Yeah, maybe, but I also feel underappreciated, overlooked, and unloved.” And the pity party starts serving refreshments all over again. 🙂 So keep my attitude in your prayers. I need a swift kick and a fresh realization of God’s point of view. I know it!