Book Review: Forgiving What You Can't Forget

A coworker who makes condescending comments, a thief who steals a priceless possession, a friend who no longer wants to be your friend … we’ve all been there, on the receiving end of someone’s inconsiderate or even malicious actions. Once the damage is done, it’s easy to let the hurt become hate; however, Christians are called to something different that is very counterintuitive and countercultural—forgiveness.

In her recent book, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, Lysa Terkeurst, president of Proverbs 31 Ministries and a New York Times bestseller, shares her insights on one of the most challenging commands given in Scripture.

She starts by inviting readers to her table. Initially, this invitation seemed a bit like a hippie welcoming a stranger to join her singing songs around the campfire; that is, until Terkeurst reveals this is where she worked through (on her own and with friends) some of her most painful experiences, many of which centered on her husband’s infidelity. Not only was this table where she processed her pain, but it’s where she fought to figure out exactly how forgiveness works.

After such a vulnerable opening, I eagerly took my metaphorical seat at her table, pencil poised to learn all I could from her story.

Early on, Terkeurst assures the reader that forgiveness does not excuse the perpetrator’s actions. Forgiveness doesn’t dismiss someone’s trespasses and magically make them okay. Rather, forgiveness is an act of obedience to God and it’s a vital step in the healing process which eventually allows the victim to move on.

God calls His people to forgive as He forgives. God’s generosity with forgiveness is woven throughout Scripture. When we forgive, we reflect our Creator all the more.

And forgiveness better enables one to begin healing which in turn, helps one to move forward and beyond the incident and the ensuing trauma. If bitterness is allowed to set in, the forgiveness process becomes all the more difficult to start. And being bogged down by bitterness can prove unhealthy not just for the victim but for those around victim. Bitterness rarely effects just an individual.

Perhaps the crux of Terkeurst’s work is “Forgiveness is both a decision and a process.” Forgiveness can be instantaneous, but it can also require time.

Drawing from what she learned with her therapist, Terkeurst maps out a process for forgiveness that helped her overcome her struggles with unforgiveness:

• Collect the dots: First, delve into your past and identify keystone moments that shaped your identity.

• Connect the dots: Then analyze those moments and look for how they helped shape specific belief systems. This allows us to better understand the reasons behind many of our perceptions and actions.

• Correct the dots: Finally, revise your perspectives and perceptions (as they’ve shifted over time) in order to realign them with God’s truth.

Once our perspective has been reset and we’re able to think more clearly, Terkeurst reminds us of some beautiful facets of forgiveness that we may have forgotten.

1. “Forgiveness is more satisfying than revenge.” Revenge creates more chaos which prevents the peace we truly long for.

2. "Our God is not a Do-Nothing God.” We serve a God who bears witness to all injustices and will make them right on this side of heaven or the other.

3. “Your offender is also suffering from pain.” We must remember our offender is broken, just as we are. Pain often perpetuates pain.

4. “The purpose of forgiveness is not always reconciliation.” Forgiving may not repair a broken relationship, but it’s still the right and healthiest choice.

5. “The enemy is the real villain.” Satan does some of his best work via unforgiveness.

I consider Forgiving What You Can’t Forget a must-read. If forgiveness seems too abstract a concept, if forgiveness doesn’t seem to stick, or if forgiveness seems impossible, Terkeurst’s book is for you!

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.